As a humble Glasgow wedding DJ (and Glasgow birthday party DJ) I wouldn’t dare criticise any UK superstar DJs. But – with the nation on a knife-edge, we analyse which of our most beloved broadcasters is about to crack under the pressure, with an ugly on-air weepy rant against the tyranny of the Lockdown in the style of the frustrated TV anchorman in 70s classic Network.

Annie Mac, BBC Radio 1

Tough as nails, and absolutely uncompromising.  Woe betide any Radio 1 exec who tries to get her to play Harry Styles or Little Mix.  Even a DJ as influential and powerful as myself wouldn’t dare to say anything against Annie for fear of career-ending reprisals.  Listen to her Resident Advisor Exchange with aweCoronavirus Crumblerating 1/10.

Eddie Mair, LBC

Ice runs in this silver fox’s veins.  Jack Nicholson and Idris Elba have turned down playing Eddie in his biopic, because they know they’re not cool enough. Coronavirus Crumblerating 2/10.

Zoe Ball, BBC Radio 2

The original indestructible “ladette”, if there had been a nuclear holocaust in the 90s, Zoe would have been circling the crater of the Met Bar looking for the next party.  Her recent Desert Island Discs displayed shockingly good taste.   Coronavirus Crumblerating 3/10.

Bryan Burnett, BBC Radio Scotland

Bryan presents Get It On, the show in which listeners suggest songs to fit a specific theme.  No matter what the theme is, Bryan will find a way to play Deacon Blue.  A big sad running geek, he will be OK for as long as one hour (maximum) outdoor exercise is permitted.  Coronavirus Crumblerating 4/10.

Billy “Shotgun” Sloan, BBC Radio Scotland

Sloanaldo has seen and done it all at filthy debauched backstage parties across the UK.  As long as he still has his Led Zep and Ocean Colour Scene records, he will be laughing.  Coronavirus Crumblerating 5/10.

Shaun Keaveny, BBC 6 Music

Since 2017 Shaun has been embroiled in deep and unspoken psychological warfare with rival DJ Mary Anne Hobbs.  This is absolutely true, I wouldn’t make this up.  Shaun started it by sarcastically playing, every single day, a clip of Mary Anne declaring that she had listened to “literally millions of records, even all of Squarepusher’s”.  They’ve now been scheduled to host the afternoon show on alternating weeks.  It’s a fight to the finish which will take our man to the brink. Coronavirus Crumblerating 6/10.

Chris Evans, Virgin Radio

I went to Chris’ Carfest somewhere in England in 2013.  He was rampaging about the stage with The Proclaimers, almost as if he was a fortysomething man recklessly chock-full of Bolivian marching powder.  Famously erratic, things could go either way for Mr Evans. Coronavirus Crumblerating 7/10.

Lauren Laverne, BBC 6 Music

Lauren is in denial about being a breakfast show host.  She has already shifted her start time from a rather slovenly 7.30am to a positively slothful 8.30am.  She’s also come in for flak for her powder puff Desert Island Discs interviewing style, which involves moving the chat on whenever a guest shows a dangerous hint of emotion.  Coronavirus Crumblerating 8/10.

Nicky Campbell, BBC 5 Live

Nicky is a great guy but I think he would be the first to admit he can go off-message.  Frequently you get the 8am news at around 8.15am because he has been banging on about Love Island or animal cruelty.  The only person who seems to be able to control him is regular co-host Rachel Burden.  She can’t be there to protect him on every show, and one of these days when she isn’t in, Nicky will explode.  Coronavirus Crumblerating 9/10.  

Steve Wright, BBC Radio 2

I heard Steve earlier this week and he was referring to “The Lock Out”.  This happened, you can check.  It’s as if he is vaguely aware there is something happening with locks, in some other part of the country. Steve has been presenting the exact same show for at least 30 years, right down to the wee sound effects and applause noises etc.  It’s safe to say Steve’s not a man accustomed to change, so if anybody comes on his show and explains to him what’s actually happening, he will burst into tears.  Coronavirus Crumblerating 10/10.

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